People love to talk about growth like it’s something clean.

Like it happens after the hard part.

Like you suffer, then you heal, then you bloom.

But in my experience, that’s not how it works.

You don’t grow after the shit.

You grow in it.

For me, when you strip everything back - all the labels, all the behaviours, all the chaos - it comes down to one thing. 

Feeling unlovable.

And I honestly think that might be one of the worst feelings a human can carry.

Looking back, having just turned 50, I don’t see a failure. I see someone resilient. I see someone brave. I see courage that had no choice but to exist. I see a survivor.

Trauma doesn’t have to look one way.

It can be not being cuddled as a child.

It can be emotional neglect.

It can be physical abuse.

It can be sexual abuse.

Different stories - same outcome.

That deep, quiet belief that you’re not good enough.

That something about you is wrong.

That love is conditional, earned, or temporary.

For a long time, I didn’t know who I was. And the only reason I know now is because I went through the hardest parts instead of around them. I learned about other humans. I learned how much power other people can have over how I feel. And eventually, I learned the most important lesson of all... I don’t get to outsource my worth to other people anymore.

When I'm in active addiction, the self-hatred becomes a loop. A merry-go-round that’s broken.

I use - I feel worse - I hate myself more - so I use again.

And somewhere along the way, the substance become my best friend.

It’s the only thing that gave me any relief. And it never abandoned me.

Letting that go felt like losing the one thing that ever my back.

And then I was left with myself.

Feelings.

The shame.

The rawness.

The life I now had to learn how to survive without numbing.

People might get uncomfortable when I say this, but I truly believe it. Self-love is everything.

I’m not saying it like I’m claiming some higher truth. I’m saying it because I’ve lived the opposite. I’ve lived in pure self-hatred. I’ve lived in shame so heavy it dictated every decision I made.

And I’ve learned that no amount of external validation fixes that.

No substance fixes it.

No person fixes it.

The only thing that changed my life was learning - slowly, painfully - how to approve of myself.

People made me feel unlovable.

But I don’t have to carry that forever.

You don’t need the world’s permission to exist.

You don’t need approval to be worthy.

You don’t need to be perfect to deserve love.

Growth doesn’t come from pretending the shit isn’t there.

It comes from standing in it long enough to realise it doesn’t define you - it feeds the soil.

And that’s where something real can finally grow.